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We’ve all heard the cliché: “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” I’ve met some people in life who swear by this mantra. They are the ones that say, “If I had to go back and do it all over again, I would because it made me stronger” or “because it made me who I am today” and so on. Well, I’ll tell you in no uncertain terms that I’m not one of those people. In fact, having experienced suffering in various ways, including physically, I wouldn’t hesitate to prevent it from happening again if I had the chance. Furthermore, it absolutely infuriated me when I was in the middle of suffering and pain to hear from onlookers and well-meaning supporters that a given experience or ailment would make me stronger in the end. Whether or not it’s true, they should probably find a much better way of telling me that because my only response to those comments was a visible eye-roll and an inaudible expletive directed at the deliverer. And that was occasionally followed by a verbal comment related to not giving a damn about being stronger because I just need to get through today.
If you’re one of those folks who grits their teeth through the pain (even though that probably hurts too), telling yourself it’s worth it because you’ll come out on the other side a stronger person…then more power to you. Truth be told, you’re right whether I like it or not. But when your whole life revolves around managing pain and keeping fibromyalgia flares at bay or minimized, while simultaneously trying to exist as a spouse, parent, friend, employee, and member of a community, no amount of suffering feels worth an ounce of strength at some undetermined time down the road.
So let’s just at least acknowledge this right up front: fibromyalgia freaking hurts and it’s a crappy way to live. With that said, let’s move the discussion forward with one thought in particular: the extent of pain we feel is a matter of perspective. It’s difficult to think about when you’re in agony, but recall that many people have a very high threshold for pain while others, like me, are so sensitive that they feel pain even if the wind blows a little too hard. Looking at it in another light, think of the women who use hypnosis for labor and delivery. Many of them never experience labor pains at all, as was the case for a very dear friend of mine. So is it possible to change one’s perspective about pain in order to lessen it when it comes to fibromyalgia? Yes, it’s possible, but not so easy when you’re in the thick of it. Sometimes the pain is just too overwhelming and the sensitivity that accompanies fibromyalgia often draws all of your attention, making it an exercise in futility to attempt to turn it elsewhere.
Now we’re at the part where I can give you proven research that shows how altering one’s perspective physically changes the experience of pain. If you want that, then check out this abstract regarding placebos and pain. Or I can tell you what psychologists who deal with pain management say about perspective, but I think it’s better to give you a real-life example of someone who lives with chronic pain daily. Rob Heaton is an ordinary guy with a job and a blog. He talks about how living with chronic pain has made him happier. Yep, I said “happier” so go ahead and roll your eyes, but at least give the guy a high-five for not pulling any punches. Convinced he was a fighter who could beat it, he talks about being completely broken from pain. Rob was enraged that he was dealing with constant pain and eventually read books that told him to give into it and “welcome your pain as a friend.” That just made him angrier. He fought until he had nothing left and was forced to go back to the books and try their methods. He did various exercises that focused on acceptance.
Guess what he found: “…as you’re trying these things, you notice that while your body doesn’t feel particularly different, you still feel a whole lot better.” Because acceptance removes so much of the fear associated with chronic pain, particularly the fear that you’ll still be hurting tomorrow. It is unclear whether Rob deals with fibromyalgia or not. But what is explicitly expressed is that his quality of life rests solely on him because no one can help him.
Are you still fighting? You know the pain and chronic junk that accompanies fibromyalgia doesn’t have to beat you just because you stop fighting. Try owning it through acceptance. It’s not a cure-all, it’s just a different way of looking at your pain that can free you in more ways than you imagined
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