Could it be that “absence makes the heart grow fonder” is just one of those romantic myths generated from wishful thinking?
IN some circumstances, time apart may well allow an opportunity to reflect on your loved one’s most endearing qualities and forget about the irritating ones. It seems logical that respite from washing smelly socks and underwear could help to resurrect flagging sexual desire.
Perhaps if some form of communication is possible — quite likely these days with so many high-tech options — then an enforced separation can be turned into an opportunity for endearing courtship or a tantalising email affair.
After all, given that people who’ve never met each other can have steamy internet sex, couldn’t a couple who’ve been married for 10 years achieve the same or even better?
The big difference in times of separation for couples already in a relationship is, of course, that you already know each other.
That means the mystery and fantasy parts are less likely to be present but, on the other hand, you have the reality of your partner’s voice and touch to enhance your internet or telephone words. This expression of loving feelings can build on the good memories you already have.
The reality for many couples, however, is that extended time apart is a huge challenge for at least one of the partners, and therefore for the relationship.
Handled well, it can enhance the relationship, as does the successful working through of any of the other hard times life may bring your way.
Being able to do that requires certain skills and understanding that many people will not necessarily possess.
This is one of the common situations that can lead couples to engage professional help.
Time apart for most couples occurs because of work. Sometimes there’s an element of choice in that, sometimes not. It can be one extended period of time — as when defence force personnel serve overseas for six months or more at a time — or it may be the brief trips away of someone whose job requires frequent travel. There may be a long period leading up to the absence or there may be little warning.
Whatever the circumstances, one of the first factors in helping a couple handle the impact of being separated is to discuss the situation.
Doing this creates an obligation on each partner’s behalf. The one who is to leave has to raise the topic as early as possible, discuss it as fully and openly as they can, provide all the information they have and take responsibility to find out anything else that is relevant.
The traveller must also ask their partner how they feel about the time apart, and be willing to listen carefully and with empathy to the response. Sharing their own feelings honestly in return is also important.
Of course, it may not be easy for the about-to-be-abandoned-one to hear their partner’s excitement over this travel opportunity. Equally, being left to look after the children and the home all by yourself, or simply being left behind, may make it difficult to sympathise with moans about the tedium of travel.
This is the obligation of the one left behind. Be open to making this discussion as profitable as possible. Hysterical arguments are only going to make it less likely that you get well informed and have the opportunity to address your feelings.
Both people need to bring all of their generosity and empathy into the discussion for the sake of the relationship. You don’t need to like the separation, but you do need to accept it. It’s very normal to have feelings of abandonment and rejection at the prospect of a partner leaving, however temporarily.
If you can’t work through these issues effectively, it’s important to consider what this might mean. Perhaps this time apart is triggering memories and feelings of an earlier rejection or loneliness that needs to be dealt with.
Perhaps the feelings are an indication of dependence and this temporary separation will be a good time to discover in yourself the ability to cope on your own. Often we are drawn to someone who possesses characteristics we see as missing from ourselves. This may be the opportunity to develop a particular strength in yourself, to become more whole.
When the talking about parting is done and shared understandings are reached, then it is time to say goodbye.
Do that with all your heart and soul, in whatever ways feel right to you both. That may result in a long hug and some tears, or may give rise to passionate, memorable sex.
Perhaps you will want to farewell each other in different ways, meaning the only possible parting is some wry humour about the difficulties of loving a unique individual rather than a mirror image of yourself. Maybe you’ll compromise and get to have both the hug and the sex.
And no matter how much you long to be reunited, be aware that your fantasies and discussions about how that will turn out won’t necessarily be realised. For many people there’s a rocky process of gradually letting the other in, of catching up, of readjusting to each other’s company and habits, of forgiving the abandonment.
If that process isn’t going well, don’t feel like you have to struggle on your own, there are skilled professionals who know how to help you deal with these matters.
* Robyn Salisbury is a clinical psychologist and director of Sex Therapy New Zealand, a referral network. To seek professional help with any sexual relationship problem contact (06) 354-2449 or www.sextherapy.co.nz
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