John Hopton for redOrbit.com – @Johnfinitum
There will be a ring, vows, and bridesmaids and her father will give her away. The only thing missing from Sophie Tanner’s wedding in Brighton, UK, this month will be a significant other. She has decided to marry herself.
Although it will no doubt be a fun day, self-marriage is not frivolous. The few people around the world who choose to marry themselves take it seriously, and Sophie wants the authorities and the world to give it more recognition. She talked to redOrbit ahead of the wedding, and we started by asking how the idea came about.
“I first started thinking about the concept of self-marriage a few years ago, when I was recovering from a particularly bad break up as well as a bout of swine flu!” Tanner explained.
“I was lying in bed, admiring the sun streaking through the window of my attic bedroom and just feeling so damn grateful that both swines had left no lasting damage.”
She was trying to write a novel at the time on a challengingly dark subject, but then: “I reflected on how much I loved my life – my friends, my job… then it came to me – why not write about a happy, positive subject; why not write about a girl who marries herself?”
“By the time I’d finished the book, I was so taken with the notion of self-marriage and all it represents that I decided to go ahead and marry myself.”
A resounding “no”
So what happened when things got real? Brighton is one of the most liberal parts of the UK, but she found that the liberalism did not extend to local authorities when it came to self-marriage.
“I wrote to (Brighton) Registry Office about the possibility and was told: ‘the answer is a resounding “no”. Marriage is the union of one man and one woman to the exclusion of everyone else; we cannot help you any further.’”
Fortunately, those close to her were more understanding. “I have been blown away by the support actually,” said Tanner. “I have had messages from friends I haven’t spoken to for ages, from across the world, saying how inspired they are – couples, married friends, friends with kids, divorced friends, single friends, gay friends – it’s very encouraging. I have also had really touching messages from strangers, saying they feel isolated and desperate and want so much to feel valuable and have a stronger sense of self-worth.”
Perhaps unsurprisingly, there have been skeptics, too. “There are those who think the concept is ridiculous and laughable,” Tanner said. “What mainly puzzles me is when people have reacted in anger; there have been a few critics who seem to be incensed by the idea, calling me a narcissist and attention seeker… In contrast, the whole point of self-marriage is the idea that if you love and care for yourself first, you are in a much better position to be open and sensitive to other people.”
Ultimately, the adventure is not about marrying yourself, but loving yourself. “As yet, self-marriage is not legally recognized, I would love to see it more widely accepted, so that society recognizes single status as a viable lifestyle option,” Tanner explained, adding that: “My motivation is to empower people to accept and celebrate themselves – to feel complete and to live life in the present.”
The self-marriage honeymoon
There will be a honeymoon, and that too will be an example of how she hopes self-marriage can be a way to interact better with the world, rather than rejecting it.
“I will be going to visit my friend’s Big Beyond projects in Uganda and Ethiopia; she is working with marginalized African tribes that have suffered massive social and cultural changes,” Tanner said. “Traditionally honeymoons are taken by newlyweds to celebrate their marriage in intimacy and seclusion but I’d rather take the opportunity to explore how other people live.”
Celebrating and loving ourselves seemingly has many advantages, but does that mean romantic interaction with others is gone for good?
“No way will I be celibate, I haven’t signed up to be a nun!” Tanner explained. “Nuns must remain single and celibate, with no dependents, because they aren’t allowed other relationships to distract them from God’s calling. I, personally, am always open and willing to have meaningful relationships in my life; other people inspire me and fill me with joy.”
She added that: “Because self-marriage is a new concept, I think people can take it too literally: ‘you’re marrying yourself so you if you get with someone else you’ll be cheating on yourself.’ The fact is, if you commit to respect yourself and take responsibility for yourself then you will never betray yourself. Self-marriage is not prescriptive; it simply highlights the fact that you don’t necessarily need some significant other to live happily ever after.”
“Let’s just say, I promise to cherish myself for as long as I shall live,” she concluded, “and anyone else who does the same will be most welcome.”
—–
Follow redOrbit on Twitter, Facebook, Google+, Instagram and Pinterest.
Comments