Ever since the Magi delivered those epochal baby gifts, the tradition of celebrating birth with a shower of presents has been evolving. Along the way from myrrh to Tommy Hilfiger layettes, the tradition has lost some of its soul.
Today, a baby shower is as much commercial venture as social ritual. And with 21 percent of all babies in this country delivered by caesarean section last year, childbirth itself has become a medical procedure, detached from what some mothers say can be a transcendent spiritual experience.
In an attempt to restore some of the grace, an alternative pre- partum ceremony is emerging. Called a “birth circle” or “blessing way,” it has its roots in Native American culture.
Gifts not from a store
So it was that on a Saturday afternoon in mid-March, about 25 of Katie Sarnoff’s close women friends and relatives gathered in her chiropractic office in Vineland to bless the mother and her nearly there baby.
Sarnoff, 29, stood at the top of the stairs greeting her guests in a lullaby-soft voice and peaceful yogic smile. Long, dark hair cascaded down her back. A black T-shirt stretched tightly over her basketball of a belly. The scents of homemade cookies and comfort- food casseroles wafted up from the finished basement, where the crowd was settling in on chairs, cushions and earth-toned rugs.
Over the course of the next few hours, the women would kneel before her, reading excerpts from Kahlil Gibran’s “The Prophet,” telling her how much they loved and admired her and offering small, symbolic stones and charms that she would make into a necklace to wear during labor.
Dodie Sarnoff, Katie’s mother-in-law, approached with her contribution. “Here are your prayers. I don’t know if you’re going to look at them when you’re in labor, but. … “
Next came Katie’s mother, Jan Sauter, who had driven in from Michigan with Katie’s sister.
“A pearl from my mom’s pearl necklace and a charm that says ‘I love my family,’-” Sauter said, as both she and her daughter broke down in tears.
Later, Sauter said, “I didn’t think it would be this emotional.” A devoted Catholic, she said that “the pagan aspect was a bit of a shock.” To see how loved her daughter is by so many friends, she said, more than made up for the strangeness of this ceremony. “All you want is for your daughter to be happy.”
“Childbirth is the most profound change in a woman’s life, physically, emotionally and hormonally,” says Kathleen Furin, cofounder of the Maternal Wellness Center in Mount Airy, Pa. Furin, a social worker and mother of two, is one of the childbirth educators who organize these ceremonies.
An alternative party
Over the last seven years, Furin has arranged nearly a dozen birth circles. She has had two of her own before her two sons were born and is putting together one for her sister, due this month.
She prefers to call them “birth circles” because the term “blessing way” is sacred to the Navajo.
Instead of unwrapping gifts, the mother-to-be is surrounded by friends and relatives who may pamper her, clean her house, prepare food or write wishes on pieces of paper hoping for an easy labor or the baby’s health.
Depending on the woman’s degree of comfort with New Age rituals, the circle may also involve chanting, prayer and other ceremonial group activities.
All of this helps remind the woman that she is not alone, that giving birth is instinctive and as ancient as life itself, and that throughout her labor, her friends and family will be thinking of her.
“Baby showers are centered around the baby,” explains Joan-E Rapine, a childbirth educator from Medford,, who also has organized circles for several friends. “At a blessing way, you’re focusing on the mother, bringing her blessings and love. For that evening, she’s the queen. She’s the center of attention.”
In Western society, most of the preparation for birth is physical and economic, Furin says. Women take vitamins and get prenatal checkups. They prepare nursery rooms and plan for medical bills and childcare. “There is a tendency not to pay attention to the emotional side of birth.”
Furin says that almost any woman in her ninth month of pregnancy can benefit from a few hours of doting encouragement. A key part of the ceremony is to allow the mother-to-be to express her hopes and fears.
While many of the women who opt for birth circles are also inclined to choose natural childbirth, “there is no one right way to give birth,” Furin says. “What matters is that the woman feels somewhat in control, that she feels safe and well cared for.”
At Furin’s first birth circle, her friends told her to go take a shower while they cleaned her house and decorated it with a profusion of flowers. When she came downstairs, they massaged her feet and wove flowers into her hair. They also painted her belly, put small shells and stones into a pouch to represent their wishes for her, and tied pieces of string around their wrists. When she went into labor about a month later, each friend lit a candle, she said. “I knew my friends were thinking of me.” After her son was born, as each friend got the news, they cut off the string.
“It’s about empowering women through labor,” says Beth Ann Corr, an acupuncturist in Mount Airy who had a circle ceremony in December before the birth of her daughter. “It gives you a sense of community, reminding you that millions of women have gone through this before you, and you can do it, too.”
Corr, who is in her 30s, says she found the ceremony to have a lasting and powerful effect that helped her stay focused for much of her labor.
She chose to have a plaster cast made of her pregnant belly, which her friends decorated.
“I used to sculpt a lot. It was neat to have this remembrance of my first baby. I keep it in the nursery. It’s decorated with dried flowers and is actually quite beautiful.”
Sarnoff had a belly cast made in advance of the blessing way. It sat on a table throughout the ceremony, chalky white and ghostly but elegant still, in all its armless-Venus glory. Her friends wove a wreath of flowers and placed it on her head. Her husband, Michael, sat beside her, massaging her lower back.
As the only man in the room, he felt no discomfort, only pride. “If it weren’t for me, none of them would be here!”
Helping mom’s psyche
The ceremonies, which are more common in California, Australia and Canada, are not well known in this region. “When I send out an invitation, the friends of the mother usually don’t know what it is,” Rapine says. “So I tell them you could call it a ‘spiritual baby shower.’-“
Although there are some core aspects to the ritual, she cautions that each ceremony must be planned according to the woman’s wishes. It is also important to consider whether the people invited will be open to participating.
“Some people might think it’s a little goofy,” says Corr. “But when you look at what you’re doing, it’s to support the person. Going into labor is scary the first time, and it’s helpful knowing you can express that fear freely if you want to.”
“I wasn’t sure if it was something I wanted,” says Melissa Rooney, a 34-year-old social worker from Mount Airy. “I’m not particularly religious or spiritual, but the more I heard about it, the more I thought I could benefit from the emotional support.”
Rooney had heard about the ceremony from Furin.
“I have three sisters,” Rooney says. “I thought they would laugh, but Kathy said that was OK. We didn’t do a whole lot of ritualistic stuff. I read a poem that put more eloquently than I could what I was hoping for. … Everyone offered wishes for my birth and my expanding family. They decorated my belly, massaged my feet and shoulders, then we ate.”
She giggled during the rituals, she says. “Not in a this-is- ridiculous way, but more like this is an interesting experience. I wasn’t thinking anything would be transformed.”
One of her sisters made her a pouch, and everyone wrote down a wish or brought a token to symbolize a wish. “My plan was to have that with me during labor,” Rooney said.
Before she went into labor, a problem occurred, and she needed a C-section.
“I think what the birth circle did do for me was to help me feel ready for whatever came and know that you can’t always control these things.”
At the end of Sarnoff’s ceremony, as her guests roamed the room with paper plates full of comfort food, she said, still a little teary, “It was beautiful.”
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