America’s favorite astrophysicist has just come clean about a dirty secret.
“I had to tell someone,” Neil Degrasse Tyson told ZNN in a startling new interview. “It’s been eating me up. NASA paid me to say it—they didn’t want anyone to know. But you ask any airline pilot and they’ll tell you: Flights to the other side of the Earth actually fly off the edge and around its underside. Just like what the Sun does every single day.” Just look at this tweet:
When pressed for details, the whole lurid truth came out. “It all started with the ancient Greeks,” he confessed. “They realized that a flat Earth was too much knowledge for the human mind to comprehend. No one man should have all that power.”
From there, many tried to spread the lie to save us from ourselves, according to Tyson. Pythagoras, Plato, Erastothenes, Dante, Megallan…all were part of a secret organization—the Illuminati—that worked to hide the truth from all. They wrote books, made globes, photoshopped images, stole, murdered, bribed, pillaged, and more to spread this horrible falsehood.
NASA is the head of the modern iteration of this nefarious plot, said Tyson. It takes all the money from the alleged “space” programs and uses it to bribe thousands of scientists yearly, as well as to give NASA employees a nice vacation to the place where it all began—Athens, Greece—in order to pay homage to those brave whistle-silencers of 2500 years ago. The remaining money is spent on those little umbrellas for drinks at the bar where employees hang out while pretending to work on space things.
“If it weren’t for truth warriors like B.o.B, I would never have told anyone. But he was right. He was right,” Tyson sobbed. “Just look at the horizon. Where’s the curve???”
Tyson reportedly spent the hush money on what appears to be videos faking the Mars landings, as well as on a new bowtie for his best friend and Illuminati president, Bill Nye.
“Oh, and heliocentricity?” he continued. “Forget about it. Our flat Earth is the center of the universe. Case closed.”
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(In case it wasn’t obvious enough–April Fools)
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