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Western cultures are dominated by empirical evidence. That means that if we cannot see it, taste it, touch it, hear it, or smell it, then it must not be real. We have both philosophically and medically separated the mind from the body so distinctly that the concept of dealing with intangible ailments (whether in the form of physical pain or emotional aguish) becomes a nuisance rather than a call for compassion. When struggling with fibromyalgia, it is easy to get frustrated with friends who seem incapable of grasping the extent of the debilitating pain and energy loss.
There is the nagging fear that you will say too much about your pain or symptoms, thus potentially pushing away acquaintances or casual friends. There is the concern that even your closest friends will grow weary of hearing about the symptom du jour. And then there is the worry that the plans you made for tomorrow will be canceled because, even though you’ve felt great lately, you may not be able to get out of bed in the morning and will have to cancel lunch with your friends…again…for the third time in a row.
So what can be done? “We can allow chronic pain to teach us how to be a better friend or allow it to isolate and limit our friendship,” says Clinical Psychologist Dr. Elena V. Gonzales in a candid piece published by the National Fibromyalgia & Chronic Pain Association. She adds, “The experience of chronic pain teaches us lessons of the importance of understanding, caring and compassion in relationships. It is important to both be able to give and to receive these gifts of friendship.”
When friends lacking a clear understanding of fibromyalgia seem uneasy or annoyed by your chronic pain and fatigue, remember that our culture has taught them to be that way. Consequently, here is an opportunity for you to show them compassion. Because let’s face it: the only thing you can control in a relationship is yourself. You cannot force someone else to have compassion or to understand, but you can be responsible for you. You have enough to deal with, so why pile on more responsibility for others?
Most of us have at least one friend or know someone that is always traveling, attending all the major social scenes, planning parties, and living the life of the ultimate extrovert. While their character seems positively friendly, they may be some of the least likely to understand chronic pain and fatigue. Dr. Gonzales encourages those with fibromyalgia to gradually educate friends who struggle to understand about the limitations on basic functioning and the ability to participate in even mundane activities with friends and family. As a part of the gradual instruction, it is equally important to mention the way chronic pain deprives you of your sense of well-being, thus taking a substantial emotional toll on you as well.
By now you may be asking yourself, why even bother with friends? Because friendships bring comfort and comfort is healing, and if anyone needed healing it’s those with chronic pain. And as Dr. Gonzales adds, “Friends can’t take the pain away but they can hear you out and respond with validation and comfort for the losses you are experiencing.”
But let’s be honest: there are some friends with whom it is simply just too much work to maintain a friendship. This is often because they do not accept responsibility for themselves and rely on you to make them happy. Of course, is this not the same with most people whether or not they have fibromyalgia? So you may find yourself ready to start weeding out some of those fair-weather friends and that is ok. Give yourself permission to do that without guilt. Additionally, culling those may free you to deepen your existing relationships as time and health permit.
But the most important takeaway here is to give yourself permission to be responsible for you alone when it comes to your relationships. But that sounds selfish, you think. Actually, what is selfish is trying to manage everyone else’s happiness and security. So taking care of yourself and giving yourself guilt-free permission to do so makes you much better equipped to sustain long-term friendships that are essential to health and longevity. Be a friend to you and treat yourself the way you would treat a friend in your shoes. And that is how you sustain friendships when your fibromyalgia gets in the way.
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